Will you marry me?
Recently I have been thinking a lot about marriage. Not because of anyone in particular, just marriage in general. It all started last Saturday at 20somethings. A normal evening consists of our main meeting time, and then a time when part of the group goes to someone's house for some informal hang-out time. This particular night, the conversation ended up on marriage, specifically Al Mohler's view of it. Two of the guys in the group had recently listened to a message by Al Mohler (I listened to it a couple days later), encouraging young people to get married rather than live in continued, intentional singleness (with the exception of someone who has a gift of celibacy). He said that too many Christians are refusing to grow up, preferring singleness to the responsibility of marriage and children. He gave many dangers that this causes as well as God-glorifying reasons to get married, and really encouraged his listeners, especially guys, to move towards getting married.
After we all kinda understood and agreed with the gist of the message, one girl said, "Well if the boys would just do something..." To which one guy replied, "Hey, it goes both ways." And thus began a discussion about what each gender should be doing in order to be "intentional about marraige." Though we all agreed that guys should lead in relationships, some guys seemed to think that there was something (that was never defined) that the girls should be doing. And of course every girl was thinking, "Hey, I haven't turned down any dates lately. What more do you want?" If there really is something that a Godly woman should do, I (and the other girls there) want to know, but I just don't see that Biblically.
The next day, one of the men who teaches Senior High SS was telling me that he encourages teens (with their parents' help) to be intentional about marriage. Now, obviously that looks a little different when you are 16 than when you are 23, but the principles are the same. So I asked him what he thinks girls should be doing. He said pray; make a list of what you are looking for in a husband; determine your beliefs about dating, marriage and parenting; and make life decisions that move in the direction of being married and having a family. I guess I have done all that, and there's nothing left to do but wait on God.
I know girls could err by being career-driven and independent (in a feminist sense). And they can certainly err by being too picky. But I still think the blame lies at the feet of the guys. The only revelation I had over all this was that girls should not be afraid to say that they want to get married. For years I have tried to focus on being content single, desiring only my relationship with Christ, etc... And I would never say (except to close girl friends) "I really want to get married" for fear of sounding desperate or discontent, or looking like I don't believe in the sovereighty of God to make that happen. But I'm not so sure that is necessary. One can be satisfied in Christ while hoping/planning to get married in the (near?) future. So next time someone asks what I want to do in the future, I will tell them the truth.
posted by Christine @ 12:44 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
good post. thank you.
I totally agree with your conclusion: the two things single women need to guard against are being too career-oriented and having unrealistic expectations regarding a future mate. However, it's still hard to pinpoint exactly what it looks like to be career-driven and how picky is "too picky." What makes it even harder is that guys may look at a woman who has made future plans (for instance, plans for further education and missions service overseas in . . .Africa, let's just say!) and who has turned down other offers (I'll not provide any "hypothetical" names on this one!) and falsely conclude that she is too set in her ways and too picky. He may feel as if he would be interrupting her life if he butted in and tried to begin a relationship with her, while this may be far from the truth. I suppose open communication (like we're doing in 20Somethings) and extreme generalizations would help avoid false conclusions on both sides.
You should check out Kay Arthur's "Marriage without Regrets". Completely bible-based. Talks about the roles and responsibilities of a man and that of a woman. About how we are created a little differently from one another and why we react differently to things. Who should be the initiator or the responder? What is an ideal husband / wife?
I am currently going through the classes made available at my church. I think you should be able to get this at Amazon.com or perhaps your local Christian bookstore. At my church we go through the lessons with a video. I'm not sure if there's a paperback or if there was, if it conveys the message as clearly as in the video.
Anyway, I hope this helped :)
Sorry I forgot to mention, I think it's the Precept Upon Precept Series.
Try checking out "Marriage Without Regrets - Precept Upon Precept Lecture Series"
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